Cocked and loaded


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April 2, 2013Family AffairNo comments


I am often (never) asked, now that we have both a girl and a boy if there are any clear noticeable differences between the sexes?

Do they have different sleeping patterns? Do boys eat more than girls? Do girls cry more than boys?

Memory can be a deceptive thing. You are often driven to remember the positives, over the negatives, but I can say with confidence that for the first five weeks – they appear to be very much alike. Both latched on to the boob from day one and tried, as hard as they might, to stay there for as long as possible. Sleep, unless in motion, is a fairly alien concept to both.

But surely, they (who?) ask, there must be some differences?

Well, there is one major difference. You know where you are with a vagina.

A baby boy has a penis much like a runaway fire hose from a comedy movie. Try as hard as you might to guard it, to position it where you want it to go – as soon as you step away to get a cotton pad, some water or to ready another item of clothing – an invisible charmer appears, playing a tune that sends the little man’s little chap in to a fear inducing dance.

Sometimes you manage to cover it with a pad – blotting it like ph paper in a science experiment. Other times you simply sacrifice another nappy. Occasionally you just get covered; an arm, a top, the carpet – the face. The face is extremely rare. You really do have to be staring down the barrel of the gun for that to happen. The initial twitch is enough to have you on your guard, but the occasional splatter as you quickly remove a pee drenched sock can hit you were you least expect it.

Girls wee. They tend to just wee out. Down in to the nappy; down on to the changing mat. Given the chance, Harry would aim for the stars.

The real interesting difference will come when he has to aim for the pan. 

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